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Joined: 2/03/2005(UTC) Posts: 3,135
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Finally got one of these monkeys tonight.....
I'm trying to remember as much as I can, but I've probably left some out. I had him going for over 15 minutes. All the while I could here background conversations frequently mentioning windows.
Phone rings ("overseas" appears on the handset screen): "Hello, may I please speak to Mr Nut" "This is him, who's calling"
"This is Raji from Computer Alliance calling you sir, we have detected a problem with your windows" "No problem with my windows mate, I even cleaned a few of them on the weekend, and I just went around the house closing the blinds"
"No sir, not your window panes sir, your windows operating system" "Oh, you mean the locks & latches on them. No probs there buddy, I got all new ones fitted about 4 years ago, and the locksmith was so good, he keyed them all the same"
"No sir, you misunderstand me sir, your PC operating system windows sir" "Oh, you mean the computer, why didn't you say so"
"I did sir, but you must misunderstand me" "Why must I misunderstand you, what are you about to say?"
"No sir, you misunderstand me, not what I am going to say" "You can see into the future now? Wow, that's great"
"No sir, only your computer sir, it contacted us to tell us you have a very bad virus in your windows operating system" "It did, how did it contact you? Was it like in the movie ET where he phones home?"
"Sir I have not seen that movie, so I cannot comment on the method used, but your PC contacted us to tell us it has a very bad virus in it's windows operating system" "I'm a little confused here, where were you from again?"
"Sir we are calling from Windows Service Centre" "But at the start of the call you told me 'computer alliance' didn't you"
"sir you must be little mistaken, we are from Windows Service Centre and your computer contacted us because it has a very bad virus in it's windows operating system" "But I don't have this windows operating system thing you're talking about"
"Sir everybody with a computer have windows operating system" "I'm not good with computers mate, my friend set me up with some Mac thing that I use to add up my bills and theres this program on there I use to keep track of my credit card spending, but I don't recall seeing any windows on that thing, only a picture of an apple with a bite out of it - you know, like on those iphone thingys all the young kids have"
"Ahh sir, you have Macintosh system, very sorry for the mistake sir, your macintosh system tell us your windows operating system has a very bad virus. It sends all your credit car information across the internet" "But I don't have internet"
"Somebody else in your house must have internet then" "Nope, only me & the dog, and last time I checked he didn't have the internet, do you want me to go & ask him to make sure?"
"No sir, that is not necessary, we know someody in your house use internet, and your windows operating system send us a message to say it has very bad virus, and your credit card number is not safe" "So hang on, you're telling me that my dog connected the internet, and sent you my credit card number?"
"Sir it does not matter who connected your internet, your windows operating system did send us a message to say it has very bad virus" "It does matter who connected it, because if it wasn't me, then it was the flamin' dog, and I wanna know how the hell he got the internet connected"
"Sir do not worry about your internet connection, it is safe" "I don't have a freakin' internet connection, but you say I do, so how can it be safe?"
"Sir your internet connection is safe, but your windows operating system is compromised with very bad virus" "Oh for heaven's sake, didn't you listen when I told you I don't have windows?"
"Sir you must have windows operating system" "but I have a mac remember?"
"Oh yes sir, very sorry to have made you mistaken sir, your macintosh operating system has a very bad virus sir, it contacted us to tell us" "And where are you from again?"
"We are from Macintosh Security Centre sir" "But you told me you were from windows security before"
"No sir, you must be mistaken" "Oh, wait, I know, you're one of those scammers who pretends that I have a virus, so I give you my credit card to buy an anti-virus, and you take all my money instead right?"
"No sir, you got it all wrong, we are here to protect you from those bad people who do that. They have compromised your windows operating system" "It's a Mac"
"Sorry sir, they have compromised your macintosh system and steal your data" "Nobody's stolen anything yet"
"Be careful sir, they will, but if you purchase our anti-virus, we can stop them for you" "Really, you can do that?"
"Yes sir, we can stop the bad people who steal your data from your windows operating...."(I cut him off) "It's a mac"
"Sorry sir, from your macintosh operating system" "so how much is this?"
"It is only US dollar 49.99 sir" "why is it in US dollars? I'm in Australia"
"Sir, only the US have the best antivirus system that we sell you" "But I thought Japan or India were smarter than the yanks"
"Smarter than who sir?" "The yanks?"
"I am not sure what you mean sir" "mean about what?"
"Yanks sir" "Oh, yanks, you know, Americans, Septics"
"oh, this is a joke sir" "no, no joke mate, I'm just wondering why America is smarter than Japan or India. You sound like you're from India yourself, so what are you doing in America?"
"I am not sir, I am in Sydney Australia" (Remember, the call came up with "overseas" on the handset). "Really, so am I"
"Yes it is a very beautiful city sir" "Nah mate, it's too friggin hot, I hate these 40 degree days"
"Yes sir, the heat can be torture on the human body" "I can't wait for winter, when it cools down"
"Yes sir I agree" "Do you realise we are in winter in Sydney"
"No sir I did not, the weather has been so beautiful" "No it hasn't mate, it's been s***"
"Sir you must purchase this antivirus to prevent bad person from stealing your credit card, do you want to purchase antivirus for US dollar 49.99?" "I was enjoying our chat about the weather mate, but you cut me off"
"Sir we have many important clients to talk to so I must ask you please be prompt with your purchase" "So how do I pay"
"Sir you just have to give me your credit card details" "But how do you give me this antivirus if you're on the end of the phone?"
"Sir we email it to you" "Oh, but I don't have email"
"Sir you do have email, your windows operating system key tells us you have email" "How can that key tell you that?"
"Sir computers are very technically advanced, they can do many things" "Mate I'm talking about the key I use to unlock my windows & doors, it's certainly not a computer"
"Sir you are once again mistake, I am talking about your PC" "Oh, the thing with the apple on it"
"Yes sir, we will email you the antivirus, and it will secure your system" "OK, so do you want my email address?"
"Yes sir" "But I don't have one? I just told you that"
"Well just make one up" "But how will the mail find me?" "Sir it will find you OK sir, just tell me an email address" "Oh, computers must be good if it can work out how to find me. Is that how you found me?"
"No sir, your windows oper" (cutting him off again) "ITS A MAC" "Sorry sir, your macintosh system needs our antivirus" "So what store to I go to if I want to buy this"
"Sir it is not available in store, you can only buy it from us" "OK, so who else has bought this antivirus?"
"Many people sir, even NASA use our antivirus" "Really? Well if they use it, then it must be good, how do I get it"
"Sir just read me out your credit card number" "Are you sure that's safe? My friend at work said to never give your number out"
"Sir it is safe with us, we are from Windows Security Centre" "OK then, let me find my card" {at this point I pretended to be looking and even managed time to visit the men's room & grab a pepsi from the fridge}. "Found it, so you want the numbers"
"Yes sir" "OK, 4,6, no sorry 8, then 6 again, or is that 8" (I wasted another 2 minutes giving him about 50 numbers all up)
"Now I need the special 3 numbers on the back sir, this confirms that you are the registered owner of the card" "But there's like 25 numbers on the back" "there will be 3 on their own sir" "oh, you mean 659 out on it's own" "yes sir, that sounds correct, now please provide me the expiry date" "ah, easy, I know that one, it's 05, followed by 10" (he hasn't clicked that it's over a year ago).
"Thank you sir, now can you just tell me the name on the card sir" "Yeah, I can do that, it's the same as my name you called me at the start of the call"
"Sir I need to confirm your primary name" "my what?"
"Your name on the card" "oh, it's a bit hard to spell it, so how about I give you each letter, and you write it down"
"OK sir" "F, A, R, then a space, then my middle initial is Q, then my surname is S, C, A, M, M, A. Got all that"
"Yes sir" "Better read it back to me so I can check it, you don't want to get this wrong"
"No sir, I will check it back with you. F...A...R..." "No no no, just read it out like you'd say my name"
"Oh OK, Far Q Scamma" "Yep, that's it"
"Thank you sir" "Hey, can you do me a favour, I think I know your boss, is he there?"
"Yes he is sir, he is nearby" "Can you tell him who you have on the phone, yell out my full name"
Yep, he yells out to his boss "I have F&*^ U Scammer on the phone!" Then the rude bugger hung up on me!
I wonder if he will ever manage to work out the credit card number, or the expiry that's over a year old! |