Rank: Veteran
Groups: Veteran, Registered
Joined: 25/11/2008(UTC)
Posts: 1,496
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Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?
Two hundred soles were lost
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Rank: Veteran
Groups: Veteran, Registered
Joined: 25/11/2008(UTC)
Posts: 1,496
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I�m sure someone has been tampering with my anti-paranoia tablets.
They took a nationwide poll to see what type of natural disaster people feared the most. Avalanche won by a landslide.
I�ve just been for a job interview. They asked me to describe myself in three words. I said �Innumerate.�
It�s unbelievable that people think smacking is an appropriate way to discipline a child. Have they never heard of tasers?
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Someone just set fire to my bum. Flaming cheek.
My autobiography is due out this year. To sell more copies I�m re-naming it �Harry Potter and the Da Vinci Book of Sudoku�.
My wife asked �What�s my birthday present then?�
I said �See that yellow Ferrari over there?�
�OHMYGOD YES!�
�Well I got you a purse in the same colour.�
I recently entered the National Dyslexic Fruit Picking Competition. I won by a lime.
Someone keeps sneaking into my garden at night and stealing the flower heads off my plants. I�m worried it�s a stalker.
I look a lot like my mum. It�s as though we were separated at birth.
My nephew is being sent to a child psychologist. We�d rather he saw a grown-up but they�re so much more expensive.
Police have raided Bob Geldof�s house where they discovered Amphetamines, Smack and Ganja. His other daughter was nowhere to be found.
Maths tutor available 25/7
�Do you expect me to talk?�
�No Mr Bond. I expect you to SING.� (Goldfinger, The Musical)
Just painted a blue square in my garden so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Laser Eye Surgery is now only available as Pay Per View.
I�m waiting in a huge queue for a new classical music CD. Three hours of my life I�ll never get Bach.
Men, make this a Valentine�s Day she�ll always remember.......by forgetting it.
The thing that annoys me most about my job is that it�s always my turn to make the coffee. I hate working at Starbucks.
Knowing she was about to fold, I placed my chips on the table. She said �Move your dinner while I sort these clothes out.�
I think my wife�s showing the first signs of dementia. She said she can�t remember what she ever saw in me.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman, the G spot is located at the end of the word �shopping�.
The doctor was examining my testicles today. I kept thinking to myself, �Please don�t get an erection; please don�t get an erection.� But he did.
Conjunctivitis.com - now that is a site for sore eyes
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifejacket. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
Exit signs? They're on the way out!
Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!
Velcro? What a rip-off!
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
I saw this advert in a window that said: �Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.� I thought, �I can�t turn that down.�
Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'
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Rank: Veteran
Groups: Veteran, Registered
Joined: 25/11/2008(UTC)
Posts: 1,496
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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food"meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia, we all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.
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Rank: Veteran
Groups: Veteran, Registered
Joined: 25/11/2008(UTC)
Posts: 1,496
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A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust
loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie�s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock vud you say?'
�
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Rank: Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 10/04/2012(UTC)
Posts: 15
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What do you get when you mix a donkey with an onion???
A peice of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye
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Rank: Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 10/04/2012(UTC)
Posts: 15
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three guys walked into a bar you would think that the last one saw it
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Rank: Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 5/08/2011(UTC)
Posts: 87
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24 reasons why beer is better than a women
1.You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2.beer stains wash out.
3.You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4.Your beer will always wait patiently for you on the car while you play football.
5.When your beer goes flat you toss it out and get another one.
6.Beer is never late.
7.A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8.Hangovers go away.
9.Beer labels come off without a fight.
10.When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
11.Beer never has a headache.
12.After you're finished with a beer bottle is still worth five cents.
13.A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14.If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head.
15.A beer always goes down easy.
16.Beer is always wet.
17.You can always share a beer with friends.
18.You know you're always the first one to pop a beer.
19.Beer doesn't demand equality.
20.You can have a beer in public.
21.A beer doesn't care what time you come home.
22.A frigid beer is a good beer.
23.You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
24.If you change beers you don't have to pay maintenance.
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Happiness is not a destination but a way of life (so drive a kingswood) |
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Rank: Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 25/11/2006(UTC)
Posts: 62
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Old farmer Brown advertised for a "handyman". He gets a knock on the door and the guy says..
I`m here about the job
Well says Farmer Brown, what are you like with cows?
Guy replies..oh no , I`m scared of cows, they have horns..
Oh, says the farmer, well what about tractor work, ploughing the paddocks and such?
Ooh no says the guy, never learnt to drive, I might have an accident if i tried to drive a tractor.
Can you mend fences then says Farmer Brown? ( getting pi**ed off by now)
No says the guy, that barbed wire would cut my hands up.
Well can you feed the the chooks mate, says the farmer?
Nope, says the guy, them things are nasty, they may peck my eyes out
Farmer Brown is really ticked off by now and says..
Mate, the advert says I`m looking for a handy man, you `re scared of animals, you can`t drive and you can`t mend a fence..WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU`RE SO FARKIN HANDY?????
The guy replies..I only live round the corner....
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Rank: Veteran
Groups: Moderator, Registered, Veteran
Joined: 2/03/2005(UTC)
Posts: 3,135
Thanks: 1 times
Was thanked: 35 time(s) in 33 post(s)
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Went down the pub last night & met a few old mates I hadn't seen for years. Instead of the usual couple, I had a few more. Probably enough to put me over.
The barman told us there was an RBT down the road, same way I had to head home. Not wanting to risk it, I thought I'd better get the bus home.
On the bus, heading home, sure enough, there's the RBT. They waved the bus right through. I made it safely home.
Got up for work this morning, and some idiot has parked a bus in my driveway..... |
Cheers,
Mick
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Judge a successful man not on how he treats his peers, but on how he treats those less fortunate. |
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Rank: Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 22/12/2012(UTC)
Posts: 38
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What's got 4 legs and 1 arm?
A pitbull in a playground.
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Motor on now and reject ovals. |
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Rank: Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 22/12/2012(UTC)
Posts: 38
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What's the fastest thing on land?
Stevie Wonder's speedboat. |
Motor on now and reject ovals. |
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Rank: Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 28/12/2012(UTC)
Posts: 2
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New Years question
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well over the week-end I was out for an evening and had several beers, not unusual�.
Feeling a little jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly (way) over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a RBT police road block but since I was in a cab they waved me past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
Also, the meter is still running and the bill is starting to look a bit excessive, my question is, can I claim this as a business expense ?
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Rank: Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 27/02/2013(UTC)
Posts: 2
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quote:
Originally posted by davequey74
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
Bwahahahahahah!
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Rank: Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 24/09/2014(UTC) Posts: 13  ![Australia]( "Australia") Thanks: 3 times
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Did you hear about the Scarecrow who got a promotion?
"He was outstanding in his field" |
81 DeVille |
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