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This thread is for jokes, if you have a good joke then please share it
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A baby polar bear ask's his dad one day, dad am i a real polar bear, his dad replies yes son your a real polar bear, you have polar bear paws, polar bear eyes, polar bear nose and polar bear fur, your a real polar bear, why do you ask son, well dad, if i'm a real polar bear THEN WHY AM I SO COLD!!!
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Recently there was a trial of postage stamps with an image of Julia Gillard on them.
People were complaining that they could not get the stamps to stick to their envelopes.
An investigation has revealed that people were spitting on the wrong side of the stamps.
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When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
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Julia Gillard is in the middle of a whirlwind PR campaign spruiking the carbon tax & how she's going to save the world.
In a well orchestrated PR move in the USA, she visits a remote tribe of Red Indians who still live off the land, and have never seen technology.
Standing there with Obama & big chief, she proudly proclaims that because of her carbon tax, these red indians can go on living in their untarnished part of the world, and that their food supply & water will all now be safe from climate change.
The big chief was so touched, he stepped forward and announced "Thank you so much Ms Gillard, we are so grateful. In the tradition of the red indians, I now name you Mighty Walking Eagle, for recognition of your efforts"
The ranga is so pleased with herself it's not funny - prancing around in front of the TV cameras & making a big fuss about it.
As they proceeded to leave the tribe, and advisor stayed back & asked big chief "these names always have meaning, can you tell me what Mighty Walking Eagle means?"
Big Chief replied "It is a bird, that is so full of s***, it can no longer fly" |
Cheers,
Mick
_______________________________________________________________
Judge a successful man not on how he treats his peers, but on how he treats those less fortunate. |
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A duck walks into a bar and says "Hey, got any grapes?"
The bartender says "no, of course we don't have any grapes, this is a bar."
A few minutes later, the duck walks in again and says "Hey, got any grapes?"
The bartender a little annoyed, says "No, go out and read the sign, this is a bar, we serve alcohol, not grapes"
A while later, the duck walks in again and says again "Hey, you got any grapes?"
The bartender, really angry now, says "You stupid duck, we don't have grapes, and if you come in and ask me that again I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
The duck comes in again a few minutes later and asks "You got any nails?"
"Nope"
"Got any grapes?"
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Go into McDonalds and order a feed. Fat girl takes my order. After a while my order arrives and the fat girl say's, "sorry for the wait". I reply," it's alright darling, I hear Jenny Craig can work wonders these days".................
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I"m watching TV when the missus walks in and sits down and say's "what's on TV". I get up, walk over to the TV, wipe my finger across the top and I say "friggin dust", "what are you going to do about it?". She hasn't spoken to me since..................
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Their was a british pilot shot down over germany and the gustarpo capture him,he replies "Be a good old chap and cut my broken leg of and send it to my base in england"
The german officers think this is no problem at all and so grant's him his wish,
This gets the pilot thinking and goes back to them a short time later and says to them,"Be a good old chap and can you please cut my other leg of and send it to my base in england"once again the officers think this is no problem at all and so grant him his wish,
Once again the pilot goes to the german officers and asks "Be a good old chat and plese cut my arm of this time and send it to my base in england"and again they do as he wished
once again a week later the pilot goes back and asks the same question again" Be a good old chap and cut my other arm of and send it to my base in england"
By now the Officers are getting Suspicious and say
"No No we shall do this No more we think you are trying to escape"
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Happiness is not a destination but a way of life (so drive a kingswood) |
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied,
'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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quote:
Originally posted by davequey74
'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
And then the fight started 8-) |
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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring
at their tits and not listening to them
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Times are tough here in the States:
~ I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
~ Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
~ CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
~ Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
~ A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
~ I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
~ If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
~ McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
~ Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
~ Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
~ My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
~ A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
~ A picture is now only worth 500 words.
~ When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
~ The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
~ Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
~ I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
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i was gunna tell a gay joke, butt f**k it
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New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an
attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on,
together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite
her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs
enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you
wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot.
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels ....
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No......................................................
..............................................................
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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10 years ago, the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now the USA has no jobs, no hope and no cash. Edited by user Tuesday, 25 October 2011 2:58:02 AM(UTC)
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a copper pulls over a scotsman late one night.
the copper says,"evening sir, can you blow into this tube",
the scotsman replies, "oohhh noo" i canna not cause of me asma, not enough breathe".
"well", says the copper " i will get you to do a urine test",
"oohhh noo", says the scotsman, "i have diabetes, it wont be a proper test".
hhmm? thinks the plod, "then i will take you back to the station for blood test",
"oohhh noo", says the scotsman, "i am a heamophiliac, i might bleed to death",
well in desparation the plod says "then will you please get out of the vehickle, and walk in a staight line".
"ooohhh nooo" replies the scotsman,
"why not"! says constable plod!!!
"well", says the scotsman,,
"I am too bloody drunk",!!! |
more than basketcase than a bear!
DOH!!! |
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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful dau...ghter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. And, this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bulls***ting' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it.!!
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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
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